What does your language say about you?
Language. A prominent way of human communication. What would we do without it? It helps us in so many ways; but in others, it is pure evil! (Too dramatic?).
As I journey along the path of conscious awakening (i.e., taking my blinkers off to life), I'm becoming more and more aware of, and awake to, the language I use, particularly my inner dialogue.
Conscious Awakening (aka Mindfulness) is much like waking up in the morning, although it takes days, weeks, months, years and even lifetimes to truly and fully awaken. Here's my best analogy to explain: after hopefully many hours of uninterrupted nighttime sleep, you become aware of a noise. You wonder, ‘Am I still asleep and dreaming or has something woken me? An intruder? A child? A pet? Is it still dark? What time is it?’ Then the senses kick in and your eyes open slightly to survey the room: ‘How much light is coming in? Where's the clock?’ Then you realise your alarm is going off and it's time to wake up. Of course this all happens in the blink of an eye, but it's similar to conscious awakening - becoming more and more aware of yourself and the world around you. Coming out of darkness and into light.
I've have been walking on this path for some time now and each day I 'wake up' to more and more 'things'. Things about myself, about the people around me, about the world and my existence in it. Of most importance to me, right now, is waking up to the thoughts that go on inside of my own head. You know the ones - the often damaging, self-deprecating, often erroneous thoughts most humans have, or have had, at some point in time. (If you're one of the lucky few who haven't had these thoughts, please email me and tell me your secret!). Whether you're a psychologist, or a yoga teacher, or a plumber or a householder, these thoughts exist. And, unless we become more aware of them, we're powerless to stop them from damaging us. Becoming aware of them is, in essence, part of the ‘waking up’ process. Now, it's not all doom and gloom - because there are ways to awaken to these thoughts and eventually eradicate them. Of course, the first step is to admit that they're happening; next, notice when they happen, and once that's achieved, change them. It's rewiring the brain and we know this is possible - look up neuroplasticity if you’re skeptical. Doctors, psychologists, physiotherapist and spiritual teachers all utilise the fact that the brain can change, no matter how old you are.
I recently revisited the work of a scientist that my Yoga Teachers at Being Yoga introduced me to during my Yoga Teacher Training. Basically, he found that sounds can alter the crystal form of water. Scientist Dr Masaru Emoto found that when he played peaceful or classical music, or presented positive, affirmations, to water crystals, even previously 'dirty' or 'damaged' crystals reformed to become clean and 'pure' crystals. The opposite occurred when offensive music or language was presented to the water. I know this all sounds a bit weird, and perhaps that’s because I’m not explaining it well; so if you’re curious to learn more check out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnbZN54IZNE or google Dr Masaru Emoto. Now, seeing as the human body is made up largely of water, this was a very interesting finding. It got me thinking - what must the water inside of me look like, if I speak to myself so negatively sometimes? I then made a deliberate and conscious effort to notice these thoughts in order to eradicate them. And, I have to say, I'm doing a pretty good job at it so far. Even in the space of a few short weeks, since Christmas, I've noticed a significant shift towards much, much more self-loving words! Consequently, I feel significantly better about myself!!! Now, I'm not suggesting you start lying to yourself and saying you're perfect, when we know that nobody is, or that you're 'skinny' when in fact you're not or that ‘everybody loves me’, when perhaps they don’t. I'm suggesting a realistic, alternative thought. A kinder thought. A more compassionate thought.
I invite you right in this moment to put your hand on your heart. Go ahead….give it a go now. Can you feel that thing beating underneath your hand? That's a human life - don't forgot that. You're only human and you deserve love and compassion, just like the next person does. But, it MUST start with you. We can't look externally for love and validation, when it’s the love and validation inside that's of most importance. How can we truly allow someone to love us if we cannot love ourselves, or even like ourselves? But this is more than just self-compassion. This is mindful awareness of, and awakening to, the dialogue that is directly opposing this value of self-compassion.
Along this journey I’ve noticed some common themes and thoughts arising. When I checked in with friends (and even some strangers in Ireland) I found that such thoughts were common among humans from all walks of life: I was not alone. Below, I’ve listed some of the common ones I hear inside my own head, that clients over the years have told me they hear, that my friends have admitted to hearing or that some random strangers in Ireland have also said they hear:
”You’re disgusting”
”You’re not good enough”
”You shouldn’t do that/you shouldn’t have done that”
”What’s wrong with you?”
”You’re fat/you’re ugly”
”You don’t deserve that”
”I hate you”
”Why did you do that you idiot”
”You can't do that”
”Why do you keep doing that when you know you shouldn’t”
”You’re a ________ (insert offensive expletive)”
”No one likes you”
”You’ll never eventuate to anything”
”You’re unlovable”
“Sorry”. This one is interesting. Why do we ALWAYS apologise for EVERYTHING. The other day in the street a guy ran into me but I found myself apologising to him. I’m becoming more and more aware of this word and how often it is used, incorrectly, each day. I invite you to practice saying ‘thank you’ more than ‘sorry’. For example, if you arrive late to a lunch date, thank your friend for waiting for you instead of apologising for being late. See how it feels to be thankful and grateful more often than sorry. Oh, and stop apologising for things that aren’t your doing – like a random man on the street running into you.
I could write an endless list or negative self-talk, but I’m sure you get the picture. I invite you now to imagine that you are a small child again – lots of life ahead of you and lots of learnings and wisdom to gain. Really picture that small child – give him/her your real, child face and perhaps even hear them speak. Now imagine that this child made a ‘mistake’ (I don’t believe in ‘mistakes’ – instead I believe everything happens for a purpose and usually that purpose is to help us learn something. And if we’re learning and growing, how could that possibly be a mistake?). Now, I invite you to say some of those phrases, above, to that small child. How does that small child feel when you say those things to him/her? Now instead of a small child, imagine your nearest and dearest friend has just made a ‘mistake’. Now tell your friend the phrases above. How does that make your friend feel? I can imagine that you didn’t particularly like being awful to the child or to your friend. If it’s not ok to say these things to a child or a friend, why is it ok to say them to yourself? You’re no different to that child or that friend: a human being, walking through life without a road map. So why are your words different when they’re to yourself? Probably because you can get away with saying these things to yourself because of the lack of external implications (i.e., if you said those things to a friend they’re probably not going to stay your friend for long!). I’m going to argue that the consequences for saying these words to yourself are much more severe than you might consider and the external implications are there – you may not yet be awake to them. If you continue to be harsh to yourself you create more self-hate, and more self-hate leads to more negative external behaviour. Basically we become ‘not very nice’ to be around! Anyway, hopefully you get my point.
Next time you hear one of the above or similar, I invite you to practice saying something a little less insulting and harmful. Not something completely opposite and unrealistic but something kinder. So, for example, let’s say you ate a little too much chocolate cake when, only hours before, you asked yourself not to because you’re ‘being healthy/on a diet/trying to cut down etc etc’. Your first, patterned and habitual response might be something like ‘you’re disgusting and fat’ or ‘you shouldn’t have done that’. When you say such things to yourself, you likely feel a lot worse than before. Like you just broke a rule. So now you’ve not only over indulged when you asked yourself not to, you’re now beating yourself with a miniature, imaginary stick! This ‘stick’ is making you feel significantly worse than before. And what do a lot of humans do when they feel bad……? We seek comfort in whatever way we can and, if your pattern and habit prevails, you might have another drink/eat even more cake/cry/soak in guilt for hours or days. None of these habits are a) healthy b) helpful or c) getting you anywhere! Let’s turn back the clock for a moment. Imagine you ate a little too much chocolate cake when, only hours before, you asked yourself not to because you’re ‘being healthy/on a diet/trying to cut down etc etc’. Your first, patterned and habitual response might be something like ‘you’re disgusting and fat’, or ‘you shouldn’t have done that’. Now you’re a little more mindful and awake to these thoughts. You’ve outsmarted them! Instead of using that little beating stick you alter the thoughts and introduce a new pattern. You might try saying something like ‘I know I said I wouldn’t do that and I’m disappointed that I did it, but it’s ok’, or ‘it’s ok that I did that. I’m not happy about it but I’m learning not to do this and I’ll have slip ups along the way’, or ‘I still love you even if you don’t always get things exactly right’, or ‘it’s happened now and you can’t un-eat it, so let’s accept that it has happened and try to be more mindful not to do the same thing next time’. These statements are easy to say, completely true and won’t put you further into denial and won’t make you feel worse about yourself! Consequently you’ll feel less guilt and shame (which means you’re less likely to need a vice to feel comforted) and with repeated practice the guilt and shame will dissolve completely. Give it a go – see what happens.
Language – it’s a funny thing, isn’t it?
If Mindfulness is your thing and you want to learn more, please join me this March 4th in Gladstone or March 11th in Brisbane for Mindful Living: From Knowing to Experiencing. A one day workshop where you will learn easy and practical strategies to bring mindfulness into your everyday life. You might leave a little more awake then when you arrived! Places are limited. For more details and a registration form, visit dhammaandco.com (under the Upcoming Events and Workshops tab).
